Tag Archives: sanity

don’t start none, won’t be none

16 Jun

 

My parents divorced when I was in 5th grade. I traveled with dad all summer that year because I had nothing better to do. It was the first summer in six years that I wasn’t in little league. It was Monday morning, and before we could hit the highway, he had to take care of his monthly rigmarole inside the post office. There he would send in all his bills, pay the car note, and make the child support payment.

He drove a black on black 87 Deville whose air conditioner seemed to blow carcinogens when it was on. I waited in the car with the window cracked and tried to breathe while he was inside. The parking lot was full, which meant the line inside was long and the road would have to wait.  He was in there for a while; I sat listening to side b of James Brown’s: ‘Say It Loud’.  As he strode back across the parking lot, the instrumental track: ‘I’ll lose my mind’ wafted out the window, temporarily ventilating the heat sealed sounds. He calmly opened the driver’s side door, situating his-self half in/half outside the front seat. He took his time while put his things away in the glove compartment and console.  His left leg was still touching down on the asphalt to keep him steady.

When he was finally ready, and had everything in its right place; he gently closed the door, put on his safety belt, then started the car. He put the car in reverse, and kept his foot on the brake. He turned his head around toward me, his arm stretched across the seat above my royal blue KC cap so he could see behind him. And then, when we were about to back up, the pickup truck parked in front of us quite suddenly jerked into reverse, and leapt back into the chrome bumper of the Caddie.

ding!

My dad turned his head, and put the car in park. As quick as he’d hit us, the guy in the truck leaned over in his seat, and put on a neck-brace. Both my father and I saw this happen. Dad looked at me and put his big, hairy hand on my shoulder.

“You alright buddy?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

And, like liquid, he reached under the seat with one hand, opened the door with the other, got out, and shut the door swiftly. He took two quick steps and met the man inside his own door frame, and in one fast motion he threw a hard right hook that jammed the snub-nose barrel of his hammerless 38 special into the side of the guy’s face, knocking his glasses crooked. The man bleated outta shrill blip of fear/pain/shock/horror before dad had his other arm around his neck. He had the man in a headlock with the gun pressed into his temple. I don’t know what he said; I couldn’t really hear anything after that. Everything got real slow and quiet for a minute. I guess he said the stuff one says when they’ve got a stranger at gunpoint. He waited for the man in the truck to drive off . Dad got in the car and shut the door. He buckled in, backed up, and finally pulled out of the post office parking lot.

His bloodshot eyes bulged behind his steel framed casino glasses. He turned the radio off, and we drove along in silence, aside from the private belligerent commentary that gurgled forth, sputtering from deep within, and continued oozing out from the side of the old man’s dry mouth in a very steady, deep, guttural tone.

the last word

12 Jun

I quit caring about grades in jr. high. In 8th grade I flunked everything. I hated English, but it was kind of my favorite class. My teacher was terrible and she made everyone read out loud. I went to school in rural Arkansas. Nobody in my class read well. It killed me to listen to them struggle like that. I was a very strong reader, in fact that’s about all I was very good at, so I had that. I could always spell too, and it came time for the spelling bee eliminations, and I beat everybody in the class. My teacher continued to allow two other “better” students second and third chances to get me out of the picture, but I couldn’t lose.  Her want to keep me out of the spelling bee was discouraging, although I didn’t believe in competition, I kept winning. I wouldn’t lose because I hated her guts.

She took me out in the hallway to make sure that I was certain I wanted to represent our class in the spelling bee, because she was sure that wouldn’t, and i DIDN’T, but I had to do it, because if I didn’t she would win, so I said that I did, and my mom quizzed me hard every night for hours until the actual day of the  event.

I looked like a jerk in my too tight midnight blue Girbaud’s, braided belt, Genera shirt, and a pair of quarter top Dexters. I wore a lot of Adidas cologne and  so much gel in a hairstyle derivative of Christian Slater’s in the movie Kuffs. What a dick.

My English teacher was one of the main judges. They all took turns reading words and definitions. She just looked like a bitch.

The thing went on forever. My neighbor and I went head to head for the win. He’d spell correctly, then misspell, and then I’d spell and misspell, and so on and on it went. We both wanted to win, but not if it meant that one of us had to lose. I got a lucky break. I spelled imperturbable correct and the final word was LINGERIE. Easy money. I spelled it as loud and sarcastic as I could. I won. My mom was never more proud in her life.

The following Monday they announced that I won the thing on the intercom and all my teachers treated me differently, not special, just different. Most of them had really encouraging things to say, but my English teacher was reluctant to speak with me. That week in English we watched The Outsiders which we just finished reading aloud. All the tough guys laid down on the tile in front of the TV parroting the greaser speak and blurting out cuss words. It was awesome. She interrupted the movie and took me with her out in the hall again, this time to congratulate me. She was reluctant to give me any praise, told me that it surprised her that I won, but that I did a good job.

“I know.” I said.

I probably wore the same clothes to the county spelling bee.  I got eliminated in the first round when I misspelled potatoes.

The tribulation

22 Mar

I’m not sure about the title; a more accurate description is procrastination station. I’m in one of those places where I’d just about choose any old thing to distract me from feeling this way. I feel terribly unsure, but compelled to spill my guts. I’m working. What that means is that I am wearing a rented uniform of black and royal blue. I have keys, a gold name tag, and a radio with a surveillance wire snaking up my shirt and into my right ear. I have a pair of folding sunglasses, also black and blue, in a pouch on the front right side of my belt. I won the sunglasses in auction on eBay. They are from the early 90′s. The frames  are Kevlar and the lenses mirror blue, not unlike an oil slick, but reflective electric blue just the same. I used to refer to all mirrored sunglasses as being bulletproof, so when people comment on these particular shades and I tell them they are bulletproof,  they take me literally. Nobody ever gets the joke but me.  So anyway, yeah I’m at work, and this nosy nose picking booger eating old bastard is sneaking up on me now. We have this loose policy of rotation, like in an intramural volleyball game. We gotta rotate every hour. Nobody ever knows where they’re supposed to be, so they are always coming across real abrasive,hovering in way to close inside my personal space asking where they are  like a gaggle of demented dingbats. I feel cornered. It’s really  rude, and is generally a lame, confusing system. The old man is always trying to speed up the process. It won’t be long now til he’s gone. They are forcing him to retire because he’s dropped the ball so many times. This will have to do for now. I hope you weren’t expecting too much.

Buzzard feed

16 Jan

soaring high

in circles going

around & round

tight

like a nailgun

through a

spruce skinnylike

a sapling mama say

g’night sleep tight

don’t let the

bedbugs bite

to a son

keep the lite brite

from lightning bug

infrared messages

smeared across a

black t-shirt chest

at some church

in the dark

past

to your head

suddenly

Everything got a lot

more futuristic

        ∞

still beating

15 Dec

monday’s mantra

30 Jul

well enough alone

6 Jul

  • The man who just took out the garbage from underneath my desk is a founding member of the GAP band. I consider him a friend and ally in the forty hour fight against poverty that I call my full time Joe job. The fact of who this man is/was has been one of the many not so subtle affirmative hints that god is real and loves me. It is absurd. Wink-wink/ nudge-nudge(the janitor is a funk legend) Life is awesome. Love is real.
  • The positive thoughts I think often materialize and are acted out in front of me on a regular basis. The frequency of these living miracles is contingent on my attitude. If my eyes and heart are opened, and my mind and host body are aligned…then yearly/monthly/weekly/daily/nightly/moment to moment/ the more my dreams become reality.
  • Let the evolution of my transportation situation be proof enough: When I started out walking…and couldn’t pay my way, and needed a little help, I got it. I just had to ask, you know, swallow my pride. And so, I did. I swallowed pride and choked on it, and gulped, and many buckets of tears and rivers of snot flowed violently from within. I was submerged in the process of personal erosion and my new being floated to the ceiling like a sort of driftwood. I walked and waited, and slept, and woke, and waited and walked and waited. I got a job cleaning toilets. I cleaned a lot of toilets pretty good, and I got better and better. I got better at my job. I was better at cleaning toilets than anything else. I got paid. I was rewarded for cleaning toilets well. I got promoted to head potty scrubber. My hours changed, and I needed wheels. I did the footwork and cut through  the red tape to get my license back. I got a little motorbike. I rode it in all sorts of weather. Waterproof became a major selling point for me. A guy that i hardly know gave me a new car last summer. He said that God told him to give it to me 8 months earlier, but he disobeyed the order. In fact, he apologized for not having given it to me earlier. He hoped he hadn’t inconvenienced me.
  • I got sick and nearly died. I am fortunate. My insurance kicked in right around the time i fell ill, so there was no argument for the pre-existing conditions loophole. The insurance company $pend$ a lot of money on me all the time. All this stuff is not lost on me. I guess my life is right…just thought i ought to mention it.

view master

27 Jun

This sterile environment sure makes it easy to feel sick. It doesn’t feel clean to me. The old man was sitting in my station when I got here, and it smelled of sweaty underwear, so I rudely began spraying hospital grade disinfectant under the desk and he tried to start spraying the de-greaser they have provided to wipe down our work stations with. The trouble with that stuff is that it isn’t a disinfectant. It’s an industrial strength compound that isn’t safe to get on your skin, and more than once I have gotten it in my eyes. I guess most people don’t read into what they are doing as much as I do. Maybe I expect too much from them. If competence is too much then I am guilty of having high expectations.

There is a tremendous amount of white noise in here. At least there was until I got up off my butt and shut the door behind me. I didn’t open the door, the door is actually located behind where I sit inside a circular desk type thing in the middle of the foyer of this building. I am in this spot first a couple of times a week. I’ll move a few more times today. I don’t mind being still, but I prefer to move around. There is a daycare during the week and the business/administration offices are upstairs. It’s too early for this kind of noise, and I feel that aside from the general irritation and headache that it causes, it also makes it hard for me to do my job. It’s hard to listen to people when you cannot hear.

The only explanation that I can come up with, the only justification for what I consider to be intolerable behavior(the everyday incompetence of most) is something that I have termed goldfish memory.There are two, very large fish tanks on either side of the lobby here, and from where I sit I can see one if I ever look beyond the computer monitor in front of my face. There are about seven different kinds of fish contained and living in these tanks. And there might be about the same number of types of folks wandering around in this building(container) on any given day of the week. They call them personality types. Anyway, according to modern mythology, fish forget what they did almost as soon as they do it. Now scientists are saying that their memories may last longer. My memory is great. I don’t forget much. I eat fish. It serves me well. I get paid to observe and report. It’s my job. And, from what I have observed in this place, the majority of people act like big bulbous goldfish. They walk into buildings one behind the other bumping into the walls blindly accepting everything as safe, sound, and sanitary. It makes me sad and mad.

People are dangerous. They put themselves and the world around them in harm’s way. And so I work and toil, and I do a good job. I get paid peanuts and health benefits to sit and wait for somebody to have an accident. To me, this is ridiculous. I am not so smart. But, I try to avoid injury, and I hurt people’s feelings. I am ridiculous. And so it goes, and I can’t help it, but this is what I see right now. There’s no cause for alarm… just doing my job.

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